The Pickle Me Pillow
And More Peculiar Poems
And More Peculiar Poems
I took me a nap on the Pickle Me Pillow
As vinegar winds blew a chill
I dreamt in my slumber
Of kosher cucumber
And woke as a new baby dill
Poor little Sweebiss had feets made of cactus
He never got good cause he never could practice
The other kids poked fun at him—
They called him “needle-toes”
But when his needles poked them back
They kept their big mouths closed
Flamekiss pays his 50 cents
To read the morning paper
But by page three he comes to see,
The news is all just vapor
Long Bee was a misfit
His proportions were all wrong
The other bees neglected him,
He wanted to belong
And when the teacher read the roll
He heard he was “Bee, Long”!
In the dark frigid north of the great Milky Way,
The Milk of the Way tends to freeze
So the stars scoop it up in a cone or a cup
And flavor it sweet as you please
They eat ’til they plump and their points become bumps
And that, my good friend, is now why—
The dark frigid north of the great Milky Way
Is the brightest spot up in the sky
Fume Boy felt inadequate
Fume Boy wasn’t proud
He lied about his smoky build
He claimed he was a cloud
But when a fire struck the school
His lies were all in vain
Cause fire fighters held him up
And fume boy couldn’t rain
Have you heard the sad story of
Big Baldy Loams?
He won the state lotto!
They paid him in combs
With a wink in his eyes, the Sew Boy replies,
When asked of his odd color scheme,
“I’m patched like a quilt
But don’t judge how I’m built
Cause I’m really much more than I seam”
Clockin’ in at 8 o’clock and clockin’ out at 6,
Data Entry Chicken is a cluckin’ as he clicks
He’s cluckin’ cause he’s happy that his fingers hunt and peck
Cause at 60 words per minute they’re the thing that saves his neck
The store ran out of pumpkins
The patch has been picked dry
So Jack-O’-Lemon’s all I got,
In case you’re wond’rin’ why
My tongue is so long it can cover my bald
I call it a “comb-over lickin’”
It looks super cool but I constantly drool
Cause the skin on my scalp tastes like chicken
Hot Dog married Pretzel —
They thought it would be fun
Now all their kids are loopy franks,
That don’t fit in the bun
Pearl was a girl with just one simple wish,
She wanted a view — a view with less fish
But she lived far below in a finless old clam,
So she traded him in for a model that swam
Then away she was whisked where the fishes were few,
And she smiled as she sat —
Just a Pearl with a view
Coyest Girl and Shyest Guy
Saw one another but couldn’t say “Hi”
They opened their mouths and they gave it a try
But all they could manage was barely a sigh.
The Polylid Squid from the island of Bali
Dawdles about with a poly-hue lolly
That sucker’s still sittin’ on top of that stick
Cause squids got no lickers for lollypop licks!
Banana Nasty is starting to brown
His foul little body is staining the ground
His spots are a blight on the whole of our town
I wish Nasty Gorilla would gobble him down
No one dares question the Wisdom of Sniv
And so it shall be for as long as we live
We worship His word and we’re all pretty sure
His morals are strong and His motives are pure
With fingeral gestures we can’t understand,
He rids us of sin with the wave of His hand
Those cranial bumps on His head house a brain
That solves all our problems and comforts our pain
His vices for lying and excessive drinking
Prove to us all that His mind is free thinking
We follow His lead and we’re quick to forgive,
For no one dares question the Wisdom of Sniv
The Kidney Sisters creep me out
I wonder what they think about
They smile those Mona Lisa grins
What’s on their minds?
Those creepy twins
The Fingernose family is like any other
A Fingernose father, a Fingernose mother
And Fingernose siblings — one sister, one brother
Who like to point noses and blame one another
Indeed it appears that the Fingernose sister
Has tattled a tale that’s been whispered to Mister
And Mister, it seems, has relayed it to Mother
Who’s pointing her fingernose finger at brother
My heart went for a walk today
He said he’d be back in a week
Using varicose veins and a scoopful of brains
He molded a lower physique
He crawled out my nose,
Left a stain on my clothes
And trotted downtown to the fair
I think all of that beating
Had left his soul needing
A little time off to repair
Poor Billy Quimby lives up in a chimney
With Dusty his pet lump of coal
“I’m poor,” he asserts folding sooty pink shirts,
“Cause my laundry bill’s out of control”
Egg tossed in a penny
Chick could spare a dime
Hen coughed up a quarter
Rooster spent some time
We all pitched in to build ourselves a brand new chicken coop
But all we could afford was just a wobbly wooden stoop
Bluebody Bear had a heart made of fruit
That he plucked from a hole in his bluebody suit
He gave it to the one he loved
In effort to seduce her
She thanked him for his precious gift —
Then stuck it in the juicer
The other kids fly fancy kites
But I got Business Man Balloon
He likes to meet and point at charts
I think I’ll pop him soon
Twas a night with no moon in the middle of June
When the Cherries hopped in their banana canoe
They were destined for Mars by the light of the stars,
And they smiled as they sang,
“Now we’re free of those jars!”
But they left with such zeal their bananamobile
Had its rudder go stutter by leftover peel
Now their fruit shakes and swerves
And it grates on their nerves
But at least lost in space they’re not cherry preserves
Leapy Pup and Windy Kitty
packed their bowls for New York City
One hopped aboard and one blew town
But which did which ain’t written down
Oily tongues and withered limbs
Ghoulish groaning, grievous, grim
The curtain raised, the lights grow dim
The Black Ballet begins
A pirouette to center stage
The figure’s form to gaunt to gauge
Who let these grodies loose their cage?
The Black Ballet contin—
At grand finale Death’s cold kiss
Imparts my lips with serpent’s hiss
Did I pay 60 bucks for this?!
The Black Ballet c’est fin
